Cereal: (Unfortunately) It’s Not Just for Breakfast.
Krista: This is either Golden Graham Crusted Clam Chowder or Golden Graham Crusted Warm Potato Salad.
Let me tell you. I’ve been thinking about this so much I actually bought a box of Golden Grahams, and I don’t think anybody in my house eats those. I think I might actually be making this recipe.
And what Web site doesn’t give you a bigger picture to see the finished product?
Kari: I like how you insist on using the term Crusted in your title. And specifying that the potato salad is warm.
Krista: Well, doesn’t it look melted? Whatever it is? I mean I hope it’s not potato salad.
Kari: Well, I think those are flakes. Golden Grahams are square. And that looks mayonnaisey, but I don’t know about potatoes. It’s like Corn Flake Surprise.
Krista: Well, what are those square things? Cheese?
Kari: I don’t see any square things.
Krista: What’s that lumpy thing up front?
Kari: Dude, all I see are tomatoes I think in the front right. So it’s tomato, corn flakes and mayonnaise.
Krista: I thought that was pink potato skins. See the rectangular piece above the tomatoes? That could be celery. You could be right.
Kari: I thought that could be a green onion piece.
Krista: And why does the background look like woodlands wallpaper? Like hunting wallpaper. Is this salad only for real men out in the woods? I don’t know it’s just weird looking.
It looks like something your dog Kirby might throw up.
Kari: No way. Kirby eats premium dog food.
It’s … Baked Seafood Salad.
Ingredients
corn flakes
cooked crab, tendons removed
cooked, deveined shrimp
green bell pepper
onion
celery
mayonnaise
salt
Worcestershire sauce
paprika
Krista: No. Way. Golden Graham Chowder’s more appetizing than that. See, when you think of salad what do think of?
Kari and Krista: Cold.
Krista: Let’s review. Macaroni salad? Cold. Potato salad? Cold. Pasta salad? Cold. And wait. Seafood salad? COLD.
Dude, crab is expensive. Why would you waste it on corn flakes and mayonnaise? Hot mayo-covered crab is what I want to eat dusted with margarine-covered corn flakes. Now I’m gonna throw up.
That’s why it’s so runny. Seriously. It’s just like melted mayonnaise.
Kari: Not only do I think I don’t what hot mayo, I don’t want hot corn flakes. Or corn flakes and seafood. That’s a weird breading.
Krista: Let’s face it. Anything that bakes in the oven for 30 minutes—like celery—that’s just going to be mush. I guess we’re going to have to eat the Golden Grahams now. Maybe the baby will eat ’em.
Kari: Maybe you should make a cold salad with Golden Grahams to see if it’s good.
Krista: No, I’ll just donate the box, who am I’m kidding. I’m disappointed they’re not Golden Grahams. Don’t they look like Golden Grahams? I guess that’s the paprika. It looks all goldeny.
Kari: And why is it cooked individually in shells or ramekins?
Krista: Dude, this is definitely the way you want to kill someone who has a seafood allergy. Look what I made you!
Kari: They’ll never guess it’s seafood.
Krista: Seriously. “Yum! I love your hot mayo salad.”
Kari: I can hear the crunching now. On top of that warmy goodness. Mmm … thank goodness the tendons were removed.
Krista: That’s so they’ll slide down your throat faster.
Shrimp baked for 30 minutes is going to be rubber. And most people buy frozen shrimp. It’s going to be hard as a rock. Hey, at least there’s a veggie in there. That’s got to make it healthy. And are corn flakes made with whole grains?
Kari: I think those are General Mills cereals like Cocoa Puffs.
Krista: Hey, now there’s an idea! Cocoa-licious.
Kari: You’re right. Let’s make Cocoa Puff Shrimp Bake. I think that would be waay better.
Keepin’ It Fresh on Memorial Day
Krista: Where do I begin? This salad is just awesome. It is a salad, right?
Kari: I think we need to rename the site What the Hell is That? Or WTH?
Krista: This salad should be called “The Salad That Keeps on Giving.” Seriously, this salad is what you don’t take to a picnic on Memorial Day because it will turn green and kill everyone at the party.
Kari: But what about those cool new inflatable ice pack things to go under your cold dishes? Food safety is totally in. You want to remember those who have already died on Memorial Day, not add to the list.
Actually, I think it’s garbage. I used to work in a restaurant and that’s the food that’s left on the plate after the server clears all of the plates onto one.
Krista: It’s got some greenish tinge to it. Did you notice?
Kari: Maybe that’s just the lighting. Or a lot of cabbage.
Krista: What’s with all of the bite-size pieces and then those two big black hunks? I can’t tell you what those things are, but they are smaller. Ooh … maybe it’s bagged shredded cheese and bagged shredded carrots.
Dude, is this for people with no teeth? Is it ABC (already been chewed) Salad?
Kari: Maybe it’s a cole slaw with raisins in it.
Krista: Two raisins? Why bother?
Kari: Maybe that’s all that made it into this serving. A poor representation.
Krista: Maybe it’s a prune.
Kari: Again, maybe for old people with no teeth. Well, we do agree there are carrots.
It’s … Favorite Carrot Salad
Ingredients
shredded carrots
dried cranberries or raisins
chopped pecans
honey
mayonnaise
salt
Kari: I thought that was some sort of nut in the top center! I’m getting good!
Krista: Yeah, I thought it was a piece of cottage cheese so you should be proud.
I don’t know that I want to eat almost a cup of carrots in one meal. This is supposed to make four servings. I guess you get your Five a Day right here.
Kari: I also would hesitate to call it “Favorite.” And who thinks cranberries and raisins are really that interchangeable? Personally, I don’t think either really goes with carrots, but I guess I’d take the raisin over the cranberry. And honey? No, thank you!
Krista: This whole dish is wrong. And what carrots are green? If carrots are green, it means they’ve been exposed to sunlight too long and they taste bitter.
Kari: It turns out that in addition to orange, there are white, yellow, red, and purple varieties of carrots. The inside of the red variety does look a little green—a light chartreuse, perhaps. So they may have used red and orange carrots in this salad. They also could have used yellow carrots that are coming off as green between the lighting and the mayo/honey mixture.
OK. Someone has to have had this before. Or be willing to try it. Anyone crazy about carrots and think this really could be your Favorite Carrot Salad? Better yet, would you bring it as a dish to pass on Memorial Day?
It Ain’t Easy Being Cheesy
Krista: This has to be Tofu Nacho Dip with jalapeños, cooked in the microwave. Oh, and that’s definitely Velveeta.
Kari: I think it looks like mushrooms, cheese, maybe some corn and tortillas. As an aside, guest disher Mike D. thought this was pineapples, mushroom and Cool Whip. (Don’t ever let him cook for you!)
Krista: So, either way, a bowl full of melted Velveeta with floaty things reminds me of something I find in my son’s diaper on a daily basis.
Kari: Dude, that’s pretty harsh. What is that boy eating?
Krista: The man likes a lot of fresh fruit. And broccoli.
Kari: This is somewhat edible. Maybe. If that really is a tortilla and cheese.
Krista: I’m not buying it. It seriously looks like diarrhea in a bowl. You know it’s true. “Girl, you know it’s true … Ooh, ooh, ooh…” Dude, this earns the Milli Vanilli award.
Kari: OK. Should we reveal what it is?
It is … Easy Cheesy Chicken Casserole
Ingredients
light Italian dressing
chopped onions
chopped pickled jalapeño slices
chopped cooked chicken
cream-style corn
Velveeta cheese product
Krista: No. Way. There ain’t no casserole I know that’s served in a clear glass bowl. What is that? Single serve?
Kari: It’s supposed to be cooked in a 1-qt pan and yield four ¾-cup servings.
Krista: How many people are going to eat ¾ cup of diarrhea bake?
Kari: How does the light dressing fit in? Is this a diet recipe? Velveeta’s not exactly diet. Are they trying to compensate?
Krista: Doesn’t a casserole usually have to have some sort of starch in it? Like a noodle or a biscuit or bread crumbs? This seems like it would be really runny.
Kari: I think the Velveeta serves as the dairy and the binder. I’m just concerned about the Italian dressing, jalapeños and cream-style corn being a gross combination.
Krista: So anything I bake in an oven in a casserole dish can be called a casserole? Is that what they’re saying?
Kari: You’re such a stickler! If you must know, The American Heritage Dictionary (4th ed. 2009) defines casserole as:
1. a. A dish, usually of earthenware, glass, or cast iron, in which food is both baked and served.
b. Food prepared and served in such a dish.
Furthermore, Ms. Betty Crocker says it is
[a] mixture that usually contains meat, vegetables, a starch such as pasta or rice and a sauce; is called a hot dish in some parts of the country. Also a deep, usually round, ovenproof baking dish made of glass or ceramic that has handles and a cover; can also be used to serve food.
Krista: Why don’t they just melt some cheese on some chicken and call it a day.
Kari: Because it’s supposed to be interesting and tasty!
Krista: With Italian dressing and jalapeños. ‘Cause those go together.
Kari: Getting back to the idea of a starch: Corn is pretty much a starch. I think the cream-style version here is serving as the binder. So there. It’s a bona fide casserole. Just not one that we would eat.
Would anyone eat this? Seriously. We want to know. E-mail us for the full recipe if you would like to create this casserole and review it for us! Oh, and did anybody guess it correctly!?!
Food for Your Mother
Krista: OMG. What the hell is that? Is that marshmallows? It looks like a chicken pot pie on top of a? A waffle? Why would you do that? That is just nasty.
Kari: What’s with the peas? No peas for breakfast. And certainly not with already-been-chewed bacon. Is that supposed to be hollandaise? Or just runny egg yolks with chunks of egg whites? OK. Let’s just face facts. It’s barf on a waffle. With cherry tomatoes as a garnish.
It’s … Bacon and Egg Rarebit.
Ingredients
eggs
bacon
baby sweet peas
butter or margarine
onion
all-purpose flour
milk
sharp cheddar cheese
frozen plain or buttermilk waffles
Krista: OK. That’s more like Bacon and Egg Fakebit. A real Welsh rarebit does not have peas. It does however have Worcestershire sauce, mustard, paprika, and ale. It’s looks like chicken pot pie over toast—but not frozen waffles.
Kari: So this is basically a runny omelet, with peas, over a waffle? Personally, I don’t even like a side of pancakes when I eat eggs, let alone a waffle directly underneath it. And is the tomato purely for garnish or are you supposed to eat it?
Krista: No, rarebit is like a cheese fondue, but, again, this is not a true rarebit. It’s really just a cheese sauce with egg chunks and peas. Furthermore, a frozen waffle for your mother? C’mon she is your mother. If you’re old enough to cook a cheese sauce, you’re old enough to make a homemade waffle. And seriously? Egg chunks and peas? Eww.
Kari: Well, I guess if you really don’t like your mom you could serve her this. Or if she doesn’t have teeth since it looks fairly easy to gum. I think I’d rather just have the frozen waffle by itself.
Krista: Dude, if I’m using the frozen waffle, I’m buying the Stouffer’s frozen rarebit.
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Krista: I personally think it looks like mushrooms with gravy over rice. I also am suspect of the out-of-focus orange objects in the back. Perhaps they’re just orange slices.
That is just nastification beyond belief.
Kari: Dude, I have no idea what that is. I think it’s maybe beef tips. But I don’t know that you eat beef tips with rice, or what beef tips really are for that matter. I think maybe those are oranges. And a carrot. I don’t know what’s back there.
But as Alex Trebek, would say, “Remember your category.” This is for Cinco de Mayo, so you know we’re both wrong. And what Mexican do you know eats white rice?
Krista: Honestly, as a Cinco de Mayo dish I can’t freakin’ come up with anything as to what that could be.
It is … Quick Mexican Pork Mole (moe-lay).
Ingredients
chopped onion
garlic
oil
pork tenderloin
barbecue sauce
unsweetened chocolate
crushed red pepper
hot cooked rice
Krista: And first of all, let me just say that everyone knows—well, every Mexican knows—that mole is a condiment and not an actual dish or sauce.
Kari: I don’t know. I saw Cat Cora make some big dish with it on Iron Chef America. Not that I’d eat what she made.
Krista: What mole is made with barbecue sauce and American unsweetened chocolate? And half a teaspoon of crushed red pepper? Oh, and don’t forget the water.
Kari:The barbecue sauce just sounds like a disgusting Americanization. And I don’t even eat authentic. You’re right. With only garlic, red pepper and onion, it also sounds pretty boar-ring. And over white rice? Puh-lease.
OK. So we don’t really have anything else to say about it. Maybe other people have some opinions about our Cinco de Mayo feature. Has anyone actually made a recipe with these exact ingredients and was it muy delicioso despite the questionable photo?
